Yesterday - overall - was lovely.
I did much of what I set out to do and the kids and I enjoyed it so. We laughed, we learned, we enjoyed our life. Together.
I think the key to it all is turning off the computer. Not putting it to sleep, but shutting it down for the day. (A sticky note in the center of the screen that says "Your life is out there, not in here." or some such helps as well.)
When the computer is on or internet is otherwise available it draws me in. I don't have a fancy phone - on purpose - so there is no issue with easy access. I know that having the internet in my hand would suck me in so I just don't go there.
Without the computer I was more available to my kids - and yes, even myself.
That being said, yesterday was not a complete success. I didn't do everything I set out to do. (Who does, right?) The exception that really stands out however was my mission to "worry less".
Why is that so difficult for me?
I excel at worrying, if you must know.
Often that pit-of-my-stomach feeling comes by way of the computer. I worry that there is work I need to attend to or that someone might not like something that I made in my business or said on my blog. (I know. It's ridiculous. But as you've seen before, it's how I roll.)
And so turning off the computer for long stretches of my day - and doing my darnedest to pretend it doesn't exist - is a huge step in the right direction.
But still, there it was. All day long. That feeling.
Yesterday Lupine burned her back on a heater. With the burn my anxiety spiked and never really came back down. The burn was painful, but not unbearable. We cuddled, iced, and balmed (aloe and natural peppermint lip balm work wonders) and yet, that anxious feeling stuck with me.
Unnecessarily.
All darn day.
I heard a program on NPR once that women have a harder time moving through negative emotion, even when we know that everything is okay. We get stuck. I really relate to this concept. Pete and I often marvel at how quick he is to move through an adrenaline-situation (with the kids, in the car, etc.) and how very long I am feeling toxic from that spike.
So today there is still more to work on. Shaking off that anxious feeling, wherever it comes from.
Because I want to live in what is, not what almost was or might someday be. I want to live in the happy of today and shake off the feeling that something terrible is about to happen.
Much of what you see here is rooted in that desire, I suppose. I paint a picture of a happy, blessed life. And it's a true story. But it is an incomplete story as well. Because my life - like yours - is not perfect. I share with you the pieces that I want to remember. That I want to focus on. That I want to invite to expand.
I do this in order to help me - and maybe you as well - shake off a little bit of that anxiety.
It is my medicine.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
And so today, we begin again.
Today I will...
Live in the now.
Be gentle with myself.
Marvel at the birds outside of my window.
And get around to taking that walk in the cold and making that pot of nettle chai.
And maybe, just maybe, worrying a little less.
Thanks for listening.
Love,
Rachel
