But I know that I will.
The way we tied each other's apron strings and sat in the sunshine on the kitchen floor, choosing a recipe that everyone would love.
Red velvet cupcakes colored with beet juice.
The way we laughed as we tiptoed around the kitchen, gathering ingredients.
How we whispered and we wondered if the boys would find us out and uncover our mission to make cupcakes without their knowing.
Our sweet secret.
The way you smiled when you licked the frosting off the beater.
And the way you saved one for Sage, because you always want to share.
Simple pleasures and a big open heart.
The way your sleeves always manage to drag through the batter, no matter what we're making, and you bring them to your mouth to "clean" up.
Better a life lived messy than a life not lived.
Everyday a delicious mess.
I don't know how much you will remember of so much of what we do - together - but I know that I will.
Perhaps this time we spend present and connected will give you strength. Comfort. Confidence.
Perhaps it will imprint on your soul and you will be present for yourself and for others as you grow.
Or perhaps this time is simply a strong, stable base on which you will stand as you leap, leap, up and away some soon day.
I hope so.
But for me it's more self-serving than that.
It's simply this:
I'm crazy about you.
And you are growing up before my very eyes.
So I will drink up every moment of your magic that I can while you're still here to share it with me.
Nothing could be sweeter than this.
So even in the midst of busy I will make time.
Time to laugh and love and be - simply be.
Each morning I will put down my work and snuggle with your brother as we talk about things that matter.
Like books and model trains and melting snow. Like everything and nothing.
And every day I will put down my distractions and look deep into your eyes.
You will talk. And I will listen.
And each night while you both are sleeping I will tiptoe in and kiss your scarlet cheeks and tell you how much I love you.
And when you ask if we can make cupcakes I will say yes every chance I get.
Because it won't be long before you won't have so much time for or interest in cupcakes.
I could have spent this hour checking email. Making a phone call. Or cleaning off that crazy counter.
But I didn't.
Instead I was right here, looking deep into your blueberry eyes, and laughing at our secret work of cupcakes.
And I will always remember.
And just in case - just to be certain - let's do it again tomorrow.
While we still can.
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